What does it mean to be married? Is marriage merely an event for show or for display, such as what we see in some of the reality shows appearing on television these days, which treats marriage as a form of entertainment? Some people may say that they have a right to get married, so long as they are at the right legal age, and they love each other. No matter what others say, no matter what the church may say, they insist that they have a right to marry. While the church recognises that individuals have a right to marry, the church also requires that those planning to marry be properly informed about what marriage is all about, in other words, what such individuals are getting themselves into.
Why is the church so fussy about preparing couples for marriage? What is the big deal, some may ask. Is the church behaving like a Big Brother, trying to control our lives, even when it comes to marriage? No. The church is not like that. It is precisely because we have seen many marriages fail, sometimes so quickly and at an alarming rate, that it is a great cause of concern. When affected couples were asked what had happened and what went wrong, it is quite often the same story: they were actually not ready for marriage, even though they had initially thought they were; they had not known each other long enough or well enough; they had not truly and clearly understood what commitment in marriage is all about; they were more concerned about their own needs and issues; and a significant number of affected couples realised that God was not present in their minds when they decided to get married. When you marry without being ready in all sense of the word, you are merely brewing a recipe for disaster, leading to another statistic for marriages gone bust.
The readings today gives us some understanding of what marriage is all about. We must realise that marriage is not a human institution but a divine institution. It is a vocation. Very often, God is forgotten in all the hustle and bustle of making preparations for marriage. Couples are more concerned with so many other things, that God and the church seems to have become a necessary inconvenience. Some couples feel as if they are being forced or pressured by their parents to marry in church. But what they forget is that it is God who makes marriages possible and lasting. If God is absent from our lives, it would really be very difficult to make the marriage work. Also, a marriage calls for couples to experience a conversion in their lives. Conversion must take place because, as Jesus reminds us in today’s Gospel: “the two must become one body.” Conversion must take place for couples to die to their selfishness and learn to live together as one. That is why the preparation is so important. Some people try to find ways and means to take short cuts during the preparation, but what they fail to realise is that Rome was not built in a day. If you want to graduate with a degree, you work hard for it and you pursue it relentlessly. Likewise, if you want to stay married, you must also be properly prepared and work hard for it. Moreover, marriage is about commitment. Love is all about commitment, and never about feelings and emotions. Commitment means accepting the whole package as is, “for better or for worse,” and not just pick and chooose the parts we like. Commitment means learning to forgive not once but again and again, and is more concerned with giving than with taking and receiving. Commitment calls us to change ourselves throughout our lives.
Today, marriages are in trouble. Couples are behaving more and more individualistic. The togetherness and oneness seems to have become lost in translation. Divorces have become so rampant. I recall being present for a hearing for divorce cases at a family court some time back, and on that one day, more than fifty cases were being heard, and each case was disposed like products moving along a conveyor belt. Can you imagine that? What has marriage become? Have some couples become so selfish and self-centred, that people are seen as objects to be used, and when they are no longer seen as useful, they are then discarded? This is why I pray that couples will take responsibility and initiative for their marriage to remain strong. Remember that your children learn from you, and your children too may someday follow in your footsteps. If your marriage is messed up, do something about it and seek help where necessary, don’t play play with your marriage, don’t wait until it is too late. Let us pray that God would continue to bring healing into our lives so that our lives would be filled with selfless love instead of selfishness.